This Site Is Now Closed!!!

yup, you read it right, i'm stopping my blogs. y? its either a 6th sence or just me being paranoid, but i think that someone may kno about this site who should not kno and not that i dont trust them but i dont want them to read my thoughts.

not that i'm gonna stop blogging, i'll just move to a different address on here. i'll be sending some notes around to  some people i think visit my site regularly, and i'll update them as to my new site address. and i'll ask them not to disclose it to neone, if you dont recive a message from meh, but would still like to kno my new address on tblog. just send me a message on here. and i'll check bk every now and again for messages.

neway, thanx to all my loyal followers(lol) see ya at the new address

Manic D

ok, so i'm bk, 2 weeks away and i'd rather have stayed at home, i missed chatting to my friends soooo much. i missed being on here, i spent so much time on that holiday arguing with my rents about everything, they just dont give up and i didnt have newhere to go when i was stressed, it was ona boat so i cant go to my room or nething. its sooo fucking frustrating sometimes i'd go and sit on the outside of the boat for hours just trying to calm down, and i'd be so fucking pissed off with everything i just wanted to grab my nife outta my bag and start cuttin, but i couldnt, cause my rents would see and i cant let them kno i do it. but i wanted to sooo badly. then the one time i'm about to cut after my rents went to sleep, wat happens, the fucking phone rings, sarah calls for no apparent reason(though i'm not sure i belive that, i kinda senced something was up but being stressed myself i just kinda gave up, which i said i would neva do so yeah that shows how gd i am). its now the second time shes done that, phoned me seconds before i start cutting. but my was it a relife to hear her voice. i dont kno but somehow she has the most calm voice sometimes, she actually made me feel alot betta. so that was that, my 2 whole weeks were absolutly crap. hopefully when i go bk on a boat in september it will be betta, its not gonna be with family, only a few of my mates from work and sarah will be there as well :). though i do kno that there will be other problems but i will just have to deal with that on my own.mby the vast quantitys of alcohol will make things betta though.

well on me hol's me missd loadsa people, e.g. me missed amanda, one of my best online frineds and someone i talk to alot (blog link on side of page fallinangel8587) me missed all my mates from work, me missed sarah and ruth, me aint talked to ruth in ages now, and from wat i hear she aint been to gd latly. i will try to speak to her sometime though, mby she will talk to me about it, though i doubt it. things have changed we dont talk as much now. to me it always seems when everi start to confide in someone i kinda realise wat i'm doin and make myself stop, i hate talking to pople about things that are up with me, i hate people knowing the weaker side to me, i spent 5 years gettign bulied at school and with lil or no friends. so i learnt never to show my weakness, always to stand up strong, and never to stay down. somehow its become a hard habbit to get rid of.

one thing has come from my holiday, me spending as much time as possible away from my rents(normally meaning sitting on the outside of the boat, sometimes even in the rain) i had a lot of time alone to think about everything and a hell of a lot has been through my mind on that holiday, from school work/grades to everything that happened with amy and how i felt about her and how i stil feel about her, to everything that has happend with sarah, how i feel about her still, but also how she is happier without me, one thing that i do see happening is that when we go back to 6th form, i can see us slipping away, i kno it sounds weird but for some reason i kno that we will neva be friends like we used to be, not like we were all thoughs nights round brians house, that we used to do. things will neva be like that again, too much has changed, too much has happened.

now i have run outta thoughts so i might add some later or another day but for now

bye

Manic D

Tuesday 10th august 1:45AM

well, tonight i'm bored as fuck, i cant go online cause my dad has decided to take the modem so i cant. god hes been a right asshole today, this morn i get up and go into the theatre i work at come home about 6:45ish as soon as i walk in the door he starts fucking moaning at me, i kinda brush it off casue i was in a fairly gd mood. i make myself something to eat, all the tiem hes standing there moaning at me for random stuff hen he starts on about how i should not put glasses in the dishwasher cause another one of his glases has been broken cause it wasnt put in right, and i'm like' well i wasnt even home to load the dishwasher yesterday so its not my fuckin fault' and he just goes on about how its normally me who does it etc etc etc. that really wound me up. i eat dinner and go to my room put some music on and just lay there. he comes in again, ranting about how i never help out and my mums downstairs doing all the clearing up after my dinner. so i get up, go all the way downstairs to find out my mum has washed up one cup that i used, she did this while she was washing up the other 5 cups that her and my dad had used so far. and i'm like so y the fuck have i come down here? a) u've already washed it up, b) its 1 fucking cup, its not like gonna take hours to do, and c) u were washing up ur own stuff neway. so my dad goes on at how i shoulda washed up th3 cup after i used it and not just put it on the side, and i shoulda wasjhed up the rest aswell. so he starts shouting and so do i and well i just walk off to my room, and he come after me shouting how dare i walk off, then he grabs me and throws me against the wall telling me i shouldnt fuckin walk off,  its his house and i have to respect it, so i just shout back,'wat the fuck u gonna do, hit me? o thats really big, ur about twice the physical size of me. and if you do it'll be the last time you do' he hasnt hit me for ages, last tiem he did was about 2 years ago, i dont think he would dare now, i'm smarter than i was, i kno how to hit back, he may be stronger but i know where to hit to floor him, and he knos it. well after that we kinda didnt speak. god he doesnt drink too much that often mby once a month, but when he does he is such a fuckin asshole.

so now i'm sitting here, alone in my room late at night, nothing to do but type this, was gonna txt sarah but shes at a bens party and i dont wanna ruin her fun. hmmmmm.....dunno wat else to type really, one thing thats seens to be on my mind latly is amy, i txt her on my birthday over a week ago and she txt back and we sent a few txt bk and forth, but since thenm i thought alot about how things used to be, the thought keep coming bk into my mind, i spose in the end she was the first person to really make me happy when i was with her, she was the first person i could actually be around and feel comfortable enought to close my eyes, i have a kinda thing, if someelse is around or if someone else might walk into the room i cant relax, i might shut my eyes but it will be for about 30 secs max, i cant just shut them and rest i constantly keep checking that noones looking at me or has come into the room, and amy made me feel comfortable enough to lay there and close my eyes and rest, outta the time we spent together my favorite memory is just laying on her sofa laying down with my head in her lap, while she watched tv. i was sooo comfortale i almost fell asleep. in the end thats all i really want is just someone i feel comfortable enough around to just fall asleep in the arms. when i think about it, i really do miss the time i spent with amy, so much was right about us, but in the end i spose i gotta accept that alot of things were wrong about us aswell, she was never really happy with me i dont think. so it probs much betta that she finds someone else.

god i'm bored, i cant sleep i'm not tired, i never am tired i dont kno y but i seen to be sleeping especially bad lately, sayin that i got 6 hours sleep this morn, from 5am-11am, which was kinda gd.(takes bout 10 min gap in typing) hmmmmm....just been thinking i want a way to leave the house with walkin down the hall way etc, e.g. outta my bedroom window i gotta find something that can take my weight to get down, i'm fed up of going out walkin at night which i have been doing alot lately and having to creep around to get in and out, would be so much easyier if i could just leave by my window.lol. hmmmm.. gonna go lister to some more music now, post this as soon as i can then post again later.

ok, so it looks like people been talkin bout me, sounds like i've got a few people worried, they have been noticing i'm down, especially at work, so mes thinking mby i should just kinda hide away from them, then they wont see. if i hide for this week i'm going away on thrus night so then they wont see me for 3 weeks at least. by that time i might be a lil happier or at least they will have forgotten about me.

hmmmmm, people dont realise how gd i am at puttign bits of the puzzel together. u see,  i kno that a week ago dave phoned my bro asking him to find out wats wrong with me, fair enough. well yesterday i was with them all, then after i went home, i got a phone call from sarah, and in it she asked bout my bro and how well i get on with him, obviously some dectective work to see if i'm likely to speak to him bout my probs. wellthat leads me to think that after i got out the car ruth, sarah and dave spoke about me, and dave probs mentioned that he would phone my bro again,which is y sarah asked bout him. then as soon as i put down the phone, guess who rings, obviously dave had been making a phone call, cause my bro rang me asking how i was, o course i said i was fine etc etc etc. i dont want him knoing bout it all.

(btw, sarah when u read this you will have to leave me a note to tell me how accurate i was)

hmmm, then i go on livewire(link in side bar) and i got 2 messages, from 2 girls who live in hastings and have somehw found out my username and found out i'm in hastings, which kinda bugs me cause i dont want people on there knoing who i am.

hmmmm...its conspiricys all round i tell ya.

ash

ok so i stole this survey fro lyss's blog

YOU
+name: Ash
+best characteristic: none
+first crush: girl from primary school, kirsty
+piercings: none
+boyfriend/girlfriend now: nope
+number of times i have had my heart broken: really i could proberly say twice
+hearts i have broken: none
+age i had my first real kiss: 16
+who was it with: Amy
+do you still talk to them: no, she dont want to talk to me so i dont bug her
+what were u doing 15 mins ago: sitting on the comp looking on the net
+what are u wearing now: boxers and dressing gown
+u shy or outgoing: both
+sleep with stuffed animals: nope
+what do you want from a partner: someone who makes me hapy(a bigger challange than it may sound) some to hold when i feel down, someone that at the end of a long day i can just curl up with and fall asleep(and to make me even feel comfortable to shut my eyes for more than about 30secs is a huge challange, i have a big lack of trust with most people)
+feature you notice first: being an honest guy i have to say, tits
+tan or fair: i dont mind.
+likes flirts: yes, i love flirting and will do it with pretty much any girl who will do it back, lol
+would you ever date a friend: yes, i would not date some random person who walkedd up to me, i would have to be friends with them first

RELATIONSHIPS
+do u have a crush: depends how you define 'crush'
+how long was your longest relationship: 1 month 3 weeks 2 days.
+what is ur favorite thing to do with that special someone: depends who it is but probs just lay down on a sofa and watch a film. 
+what is the best present u've gotten from someone: dont kno, everything i get is special in someway
+what one quality do u like best in the opposite sex: dunno
+ever been in love: yes

FAVORITES
+color: black
+thing to do: be with friends
+clothes: black jeans and black t-shirt
+ocean or pool: pool
+favorite movie: dunno
+love or lust: love
+silver or gold: dont care
+diamonds or pearls: dont care
+food: pasta
+current song: see post below
+hoilday: none
+animal: my dogs
+drink: Jack Daniels and coke
+perfume: hmmmm...would be starge if i had a fav one of these
+cologne: dunno
+activity: Working in theatre
+fruit: strawberries
+Room In house: My Bedroom
+Type of music: rock
+Memory: Currently, sittin in a field with a girl i really like all night long
+Day of the Week: dunno
+Flower: none
+Month: none
+Season: summer
+Location for dates: dunno, neva really done dates 
+u wish u could live somewhere else: hell would be a break from life, heard its warm there this time of year.
+u want more tattoos: dont have ne
+u like cleaning: no i dont, i hate it, which is why my room looks tidy untill u try looking in the top drawers of each desk, lol
+bush or kerry: Dont really give a shit

HAVE YOU EVER
+cried when someone died: yes
+drank alcohol: yes
+lied: yes
+fallen for ur friend: yes
+rejected someone: lol, i neva had the chance
+used someone: no
+been cheated on: no
+cheated on someone: no
+done something u regret: everything i do i regret, every single thing
+could u live without the computer: nope. never
+how many peeps are on ur buddylist: 56
+like watching sunrises or sunset: sunset
+trust others way too easily: no, it takes me ages to build even the littlest of trust normally.
+Gotten in a fight: very few and i normally just start fighting back realise wat i'm doign and walk off
+Been to New York: nope
+Been to Florida: nope
+Been to san francisco: nope
+Been to Hawaii: nope
+Been to Mexico: nope
+Been to China: nope
+Been to Canada: nope
+Danced naked: not that i recall
+Got a really bad feeling about something then it happened: yes,all the time.
+Wish you were the opposite sex: nope
+danced like a frickin idiot: hey that was me dancing normally, lol
+went to a movie: o course
+wished u were somebody else: everytime i wake up and open my eyes
+were depressed: yes
+where would you love to travel to: dont really kno, america would be kool.
+whats ur middle name:  i hate it, so i'm not saying

DO YOU, HAVE YOU'S AND WHAT ABOUT YOU'S
+do u have a cell phone: yes
+whats ur online screen name: ManicDepressant
+what do u want to do with your life: i really have no clue, and that kinda scares me
+last time u went to the doctor: cant remember
+do u consider urself a "nice" person: no, i kno i'm and asshole
+what are you scared of: hurtin people, life
+do u believe in angels: no
+do u think ur spoiled: no
+have u seen the exorcist: yes, i loved it 

FINISH THE SENTENCE
+in the morning i am: still wondering if i should go to bed.
+all i need is: death
+love is: something i will neva have
+if i could see one person right now: i dont kno who it would be
+i dream about: i dont dream, i kno i will neva have nething

DO YOU
+play an instrument: nope
+read the newspaper: sometimes. i usually get my news from the tv or the internet
+believe in miracles: nope
+like the taste of alcohol: yes
+have any secrets: yes, some things i dont tell neone, not even my closest friends
+wish on stars: i have but only outta shear hope that it might work and something might go right for me for a change. it never worked.
+believe in ghosts: no
+like sarcasm: haha yes
+sing in the shower: nope
+sit on the internet all day: whenever i'm home and can get on
+save aol/aim conversations: nope but i save my msn ones
+cried because of someone saying something to u: not in the last 5 years
+color ur hair: nope
+ever get off the damn computer: nope
+habla espanol: WTF?
+coke or pepsi: coke
+flowers or candy: neither
+scruff or clean shaven: n/a
+tall or short: whatever

WHO
+makes u laugh the most: dunno
+makes you smile: a couple of people
+gives u a funny feeling when u see them: hmmmm..
+has a crush on u: no one
+Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: yes, i have no chance with neone so it covers about everyone i care about
+Have You Ever Cried over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: yes
+Do you have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: yes but to define that type may take about 10 years
+Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: yes
+Are You Lonely Right Now: yes
+Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: yes
+Do You Want To Get Married: i spose
+Do You Want Kids: mby
+Red or blue: blue
+Spring or fall: spring
+Santa or Rudolph: santa
+Math or English: maths
+What are you going to do after you finish this survey: phone work and pull a sicky for tomoz, lol
+High school or college: both have different ups and downs but i spose i have actually found a true friends in college
+Are you bored: yes, thats y i'm doing this
+How many buddies are on: 1
+Last movie you saw: one-eight-seven, fuckin great film
+Last noise you heard: music
+What do you think of Ouija boards: waste of time
+What book are you reading now: none
+Favorite board game: monopoly
+Favorite magazine: none
+Worst feeling in the world: lonlyness
+What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning: i dont think, not nemore, it hurts to much.
+Future daughter's name: dunno
+Future son's name: dunno
+Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
+If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be: theatre tech
+Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous: righty
+type with your fingers on the right keys: nope dont really care
+What's under your bed: not much
+Eye Color: dark brown
+Height Currently: dunno
+Glasses/contacts: nope
+Current Age: 17
+Siblings: 2 older bros
+Hobbies: Technical theatre
+Are You Timely or Always Late: always late
+Do You Have a Job: yes
+Do You like Being around People: sometimes yet sometimes i just want to fade away and be alone

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU
+Cried: no, recently i cant even though it would do me soo much gd.
+Bought Something: food
+Gotten Sick: no
+Sang: only to self quietly, along with music
+Said I Love You: no
+Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them, But Didn't: they kno i do, but telling tell would cause more problems than it solves.
+Met Someone New: no
+Talked To Someone: yes
+Had A Serious Talk: no
+miss someone: yes
+Hugged Someone: yes
+Kissed Someone: no
+Fought With Your Parents: yes
+Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: i dont remember/have dreams
+Had a lot of sleep: no, way to little

LAST PERSON WHO
+Slept in your bed: me
+Made you cry: amy
+You went to the mall with: dunno
+Sent you a comment on tblog: dunno
+Said they were going to kill you: me,lol

FINAL QUESTIONS
+i want: to leave the people i care about and who care about me before i hurt them
+i wish: i was dead
+i miss: someone
+i fear: hurtin people
+i wonder: if i'm ever going to be happy unless i'm dead

You - Evanescence

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep
I need to tell you
Goodnight

When we're together, I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I can't look away
As we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me

Amy, marry me
Promise you'll stay with me
Oh you don't have to ask me
You know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Somehow I'll show you
That you are my night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you

So many nights I cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me, I love myself
I never thought I would say this
I never thought there'd be
You

this was a song written by the lead singer of Evanescence (amy lee) it was neva actually ment to be released but copys did get out. since then she has requested that noone displays these lyrics. i posted them here because at the moment they seem to reflect how i felt alot.

solitude - Evanescence

how many times have you told me you love her
as many times as i've wanted to tell you the truth
how long have i stood here beside you
i live through you
you looked through me

ooh, solitude,
still with me is only you
ooh, solitude,
i can't stay away from you

how many times have i done this to myself
how long will it take before i see
when will this hole in my heart be mended
who now is left alone but me

ooh, solitude,
forever me and forever you
ooh, solitude,
only you, only true

everyone leave me stranded
forgotten, abandoned, left behind
i can't stay here another night

your secret in my heart
who could it be

ooh, can't you see
all along it was me
how can you be so blind
as to see right through me

and ooh, solitude,
still with me is only you
ooh, solitude,
i can't stay away from you

ooh, solitude,
forever me and forever you
ooh, solitude,
only you, only true

this is another of my favorite songs at the moment again by Evanescence. again it says a lot how i feel. though both these songs are betta heard than read so find them and get them.

hmmm me not done much today , i got up and went to the theatre i work at spent all day there with sarah dave liam and tom, i had a gd day today. one thing i realised today was that i have not been upset so much at not being able to go out with sarah because i kno shes happy when shes with ruth but wat i have missed is the contact, i not seen as much of her as i used to and i really missed that spending a couple of days wth her has made me a lot happier than i was. saying that yes i do miss the physical contact e.g. spending the whole night cuddling, kissing etc. but thats something that i spose i will have to do without. i'm just kinda glad i'm gettin to spend more time with her again, i guess i didnt realise how much i missed her :(. but i'm feeling slightly betta 2day neway, i had a fairly gd day. hmm not much else to say. ash

oooooooo, wow!!! t bog has a new tool bar above the box i'm typing in, ok so i may be a lil slow but i not bloged for a few days cause i not had nething to say. dont really have much to say todqy except that i'm in a slightly betta mood today than i have been. i kinda skiped work at the resterant and spent the whole day at the theatre i work at. it was a kinda nice day, looks like i might be going on a boating holiday on the norfolk broads with them this year or mby next year. which should be cool. basicallywake up in morn, beer with breakfast, find nearest pub while drink beer on way, go to pub. when finished at pub go back to boat for a beer. get very pissed then find next pub. hmmmmm  a whole week of that, and the world will be right again. or at least spinning. lol.